When my beautiful 14-year-old niece was a little girl of about three or four, my sister,who is a rock-star mom, would ask, “Wouldn’t you like to go outside and play?” Keep in mind they live in Georgia and the summers can be unbearably hot and humid. My sweet niece would often reply, “I an inside girl, Momma.” I thought that was just the cutest response.
After my surgery I waited for the pathology report to come back. I believed that this report would “tell the tale.” It would be a definitive, set-in-stone report that I could hang my hat on. One evening the phone rang and our caller id told me that it was my surgeon. I should insert here that it was 6 0’clock in the evening. So, in my mind I thought this could be a very good sign or a very bad sign. As it turns out, it was neither. It was a “middle of the road” call. Dr. Brenda felt very good about the path report and did not believe I would need chemo. But, to be sure she wanted to send a sample of my tumor off to a lab for the ONCO DX test. Because my tumor was estrogen and progesterone-positive, my lymph nodes were clear, and my breast cancer was considered “early stage,” I was a candidate for this test.
The ONCO DX would look at the expression of 21 genes in my tumor and provide me with a recurrence score: low chance of recurrence, medium chance of recurrence, or a high chance of recurrence. This is the kind of test you REALLY, REALLY want a low score on. The lower the better. After three weeks of waiting for the results- that’s 21 days- 21 long, arduous days, the results were in. I was the proud owner of a low score. I have never been so happy to score so low on a test in my life! 🙂
A few days later, I met with Dr. Brenda. She again went over my recurrence score, and I promptly high-fived her. She looked me in the eye and said that we both “needed to be on the same page.” That while this was good news, in fact incredibly great news, this was no guarantee that I would not have a recurrence. She then talked about calling in a prescription for Tamoxifen to protect me from this possibility. My mind broke into a pseudo-sweat: you mean this isn’t black and white- it’s GREY?! Oh no this can’t be Dr. Brenda – you see “I’m a black and white girl.” I always need to know the answer, research the best possible plan for- well for just about everything.
My husband and I decided to get a second opinion from a medical oncologist. This doctor concurred with Dr. Brenda’s opinion. Dr. Brenda had also told us that we could go to five different oncologists and potentially get five different opinions. WHAT??!! But, “I’m a black and white girl!” I needed to hear the words: “You have a low score. This means your breast cancer is never, ever coming back. No need for fear, anxiety, worry. It’s black and white. You are done with this FOREVER.”
Breast cancer helps you grow up. It teaches you some tough lessons and this lesson was the most difficult of all. There are no guarantees, no pat answers, no “always” or “never.” So, this “black and white girl” is learning to live with a brand new shade in life: GREY. I am laying my “black and white” self down before my Lord and Savior and giving Him the canvas of my life. He is helping me notice all the beautiful hues in the color grey.
And just as my sweet niece, Emily Caroline, is no longer “an inside girl,” I am no longer a “black and white girl” either…