Archive | February 2015

Remind Me Who I Am

Feb20

Labels…. they’re everywhere-  in the grocery store aisle, on the tag inside our favorite shirt, wrapped around that medicine bottle on our nightstand, and deep within our spirit.

So many labels that tell me who I am…  Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Dog-Mama, Teacher, Friend.  Now I have a new label: Breast Cancer Survivor.  To be painfully honest, sometimes I want to rip that label off and hide it in a drawer somewhere.  My mind says that if I take the label off, perhaps this never happened.  But I have only to look in the mirror to know the label will not stay hidden in my drawer.  My scars tell me quite clearly where I’ve been.  But, they also tell me where I’m going.  I am going on.

I had my six-month check up with Dr. Brenda this week.  I received a good report, picked up my vitamin supplements, scheduled my next appointment, and got a refill on my Tamoxifen.  Bob and I celebrated our good news and I felt joyful.

A few days later I clicked on a newsletter filled with breast cancer research and I read and I read and I read.  I read about tamoxifen resistance, clinical studies, and gray statistics.  I clicked on article after article until I had spiraled down into the abyss of cancer knowledge overload.  I let myself wallow in the mud and mire there.  I felt stuck.  This is what my friend Lynn and I had worked so hard to deliver me from- the pit of negative thinking.

The voice inside my head berated me, chided me, scolded me for reading article after article and allowing my joy to be sucked down the internet research hole.

I was so disappointed in myself that I put on yet another label- negative thinker.  I went to my Pilates lesson with my spirit feeling choked- as if it would take great effort to exhale.  I was lying on the machine when Christina asked how I was feeling.  My eyes were closed and I could feel a little liquid behind my closed eyelids.  I did not want that water to escape.  I did not want to cry since I wasn’t quite sure what I would be crying about. I answered that I was feeling stressed.  Christina has a great voice and an even greater laugh.  She stood next to me and said,

“Breathe in and breathe out.  It’s going to be okay.”

It’s going to be okay.  Simple words that struck such a profound chord in my soul.  It is going to be okay.  I realized that I could rip the label – negative thinker- off.  It’s okay that I slid down into the mud momentarily- I wasn’t going to stay there.

I wasn’t going to stay there because I wear another label.  That label is “Beloved.”  I am a beloved child of God.  He is not angry or distant with me because I strayed from feeling joyful.  Instead, He scoops me up and just holds me in His Arms.  He laughs with me and cries with me.  He touches my scars lovingly and reminds me who I am- His beloved daughter.

I look at the word “beloved” a little closer and break it apart: be loved.  We all need to take these words and let them soak into our hearts, our souls, our spirits. Just be loved.  So the next time I feel my feet slip and start to slide down that muddy embankment, I will remember who I am…  I am beloved.

Are We There Yet?!

Feb9

In my younger years I thought every journey must have a destination. If you study hard, you earn good grades. If you put your best foot forward, you attract incredible friends. If you think about the traits you desire in a spouse, you will find the ideal life partner. If you read all the great parenting blogs, you will raise happy, productive children. If you go to all of your doctor appointments, you will remain healthy.  As I grow older, I realize that sometimes… you can study really hard and still not do as well as you hoped.  You can be warm and loving and sometimes still develop a less than stellar friendship. You can have a laundry list of positive spousal traits and still not have a perfect marriage. You may read every parenting blog under the sun and still have a child who is unhappy or not realizing the potential God breathed into them.  And yes, you can go to all of your doctors appointments and be vigilant about preventing disease and still become ill.

The secret of contentment in the midst of the journey actually does not lie within the destination. The secret of contentment, the pure unadulterated joy lies in the sometimes hard-fought acceptance of the mundane, the mediocre, the everyday normal.  When you can accept your new normal- whatever that looks like- you find yourself able to move forward.  Your spirit ceases to look back wistfully at the shadows of your old life.  Instead, your soul pushes you forward to see a fresh new canvas- with some subtractions and some additions to your life.

After you accept the colors and hues of your new life, you must press on and adapt. Just as the chameleon’s color changes to suit her environment, you must change your perspective- the way you see those new colors and what you choose to do with them.

Accept.  Adapt.  And then what?  I would say Depend.  Depend on the strength of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, to carry you through when you’re not sure you can accept or you’re uncertain of how to adapt.  And then my friend you will come to the ultimate realization- the epiphany that the JOY is never, ever in the destination.  It is always found in the journey.